RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, March 21, 2009

I agree with everyone this was a great retreat. During the morning,
Victor commented that everything in the retreat can feel sacred, and
this is how it felt to me, from sitting in silence, to quietly putting
on a shoe, to eating a hard boiled egg for lunch. So the question
arose: "Does this retreat need to end or do I end it by pulling away
from awareness, from the sacredness of simple things? Why not keep
walking in walking meditation through the week? Who could stop me? So
thank you Victor and everyone for a sacred week (this week).
When I walked out of the door today, I noticed a flyer lying in my
driveway that had large blue print which said, "WAKE UP TO CLEAR VISION"
A lovely message lying there on concrete. Wendy
_ _ _ _ _ _

It got so very quiet. For a while in the middle of the afternoon there was no discernible noise coming from the environment and for some moments none from my mind, excuse me, "the mind."

A couple of retreats ago there had been the "chainsaw massacre", the noise pollution of a very large chainsaw going to work "ardently", perhaps even more so than Greg was meditating. On that occasion the mind had remembered the zen teaching, if you find the noise irritating "unify" with it. I also remembered the story of the Chan teacher who threatened to make any of his students who complained about the loud boiler in the basement sit in there with it till noise bothered them no longer. So I (the mind) "unified" with the sound. The noise became less and less unpleasant, until it was quite neutral, and then with further "unifying" it even became mildly pleasant, something tangible to hang my attention on. Certainly "discursive thought" didn't stand a chance against the volume of the chainsaw.

Now on Saturday March 21, mid afternoon, it had become so very silent the mind couldn't hear any sounds at all. The thought occurred to the mind that if a sound arose it would try a slightly different method it had heard Victor talk about at the previous retreat. It would look for the "feeling tone", pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant and observe the "feeling" as it heard the sound. But still no sound. only the sound of silence. Then ever so faintly the mind heard tick, tick, tick, the ticking of a clock. It watched the thought arise identifying the source of the noise as "there must be a clock behind me". Forty odd people in the room, the suburbs just outside the door and yet the mind could hear the ever so faint ticking of a clock behind it on the wall. The mind moved to it's task. It observed tick, tick, tick, then noted a pleasant "feeling" reaction. Then the pleasant "feeling" dropped away and it noted "hearing' and then there was just the sound, the essence of hearing tick, tick, tick. The mind no longer needed to identify the noise as clock ticking. The mind had ceased unifying, noting, feeling pleasant, it was only aware of tick, tick, tick. Then eventually thoughts returned, I am not sure now what thought led the way, but as thought returned the "I" returned also and then shortly after the bell rang, time for walking meditation.

Looking back at that "pure awareness" of the clock ticking, it may have lasted only a minute or two. I have always wished (desire) that these moments of "essence" would last longer. But to know just that it is possible to feel that "fundamental ground" however briefly, ahhhh if there is comfort in life, that is it. I love how experiences that seem so ordinary in daily life seem so monumental in meditation, like the ticking of a clock. I reckon that is why the Chan/Zen school emphasizes so strongly that "the Way" is found in "ordinary life".

Perhaps someday those moments will stretch out and Greg can linger and bathe more deeply in them. Right now Greg feels gratitude to himself for attending the retreat, to the teacher Victor and all the organizers for their efforts, and to his fellow attendees whose "presence" makes it all possible. I hope to be there for the next one. Greg
_ _ _ _ _ _

Thank you for the wonderful retreat yesterday. I was disappointed when I saw in the schedule that there was no morning yoga; I never felt it had been disruptive, but without it, this was the quietest retreat for me so far. (number 4 or 5). So maybe the yoga did shake my mind up more than I realized. Thank you, Victor, for trying new ways, that says a lot. (Jack Kornfield probably gets stuck in ruts). I also liked the extra 15 minutes for lunch. (Wasn't it longer this time?) I brought less food, since I never have time to finish it. But I need less if I eat with awareness. It was all perfect. Thank you. Metta, Susan

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, January 24, 2009

Metta to all: I'm really glad I attended yesterday's all day in Rancho Palos Verdes. I am abler to recognize when I'm in personality - ego vs. the witness - observer self. One of the sharing was about how the witness never judges, just observes. I want to remember that. Teresa F.
_ _ _ _ _ _

As many of you know, struggling with the trance of unworthiness has been a theme recently. For me it has played out in many different ways recently. At the All Day, it felt like there was a shift.

The Bible verse came to me.
John 3: 16
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

For me this is all symbolic; that the ground of Being is love and we are all a manifestation of that love. If we have faith in that, just like the Upanishads chant says," ...we can move from the unreal to the Real, that which was never born and can never die."

Today, my daily quote in the Chogyam Trungpa, "Ocean of Dharma," was this:
Make Friends With Yourself
".........If you are going to exert your power and energy to walk on the path, you have to work with yourself. The first step is to make friends with yourself. That is almost the motto of shamatha or mindfulness meditation experience. Making friends with yourself means accepting and acknowledging yourself. You work with your subconscious gossip, fantasies, dreams--everything. And everything that you learn about yourself you bring back to the technique, to the awareness of the breathing, which was taught by the Buddha."

Wow, talk about sychronicity! Thank you Victor, you create a marvelous container for awakening. Metta, Peggy

_ _ _ _ _ _

In the November retreat one of the longer term members of the Sangha related sending metta to his long dead dog, because he felt that poor dog had just wanted to be loved and play like other dogs but had been overlooked by a disinterested family. I admired this frank admission but I could not really feel that the dog in any way received the loving-kindness sent his way. I am used to thinking of the universe as too impersonal for that.

I wished I could believe it and sort of formed a question in my heart, could this be so? A couple of nights later I saw a wiry little mutt on Fox news. He was in the fast lane of the freeway. His friend dog had been hit badly by a car and this little guy was pulling this dog twice his size to the center divider. Progress was painfully slow. Cars were whizzing by almost hitting him, going full speed on the freeway. He had made some progress, but his friend was not completely off the road when the strength in his jaws failed. The wiry little guy then took his legs and pulled the dog off the freeway. The announcer said that the rescue was successful and both dogs were safe and in good health. I found the story on youtube later on and verified best I could that both dogs were ok. I have not asked: "Could this be so? again.

When I was a boy of around 8 our cat had kittens. Mother cat dropped one of the cats down the cement tinder blocks that formed the foundation of our house. My parents said it was an accident and nothing could be done. Every day I went to visit that kitten, it's meows got fainter and my heart broke when they stopped. I think now that it was the runt of the litter and was dumped there by an overburdened mother cat. But it just wanted nurturing, to play with his brothers and sisters, to eat and drink and snuggle and live a cat's life. I have sent metta as hard as I can to that poor little kitten, and I see a glimmer of "this could be so, somehow in some way, this could be so"
Anonymous

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from August 2008 Weekend Retreat at Mary and Joseph's Retreat Center, Rancho Palos Verdes

Thank you so very much for making us know that there is a point.

When I had my times of forgetting to give others privacy, and I would look at people, I was absolutely unable to maintain my concentration. After it happened once or twice, I was able to catch the thought that went with it and it was something about, Oh! Another person! Someone who isn't me! (which I suppose isn't even true) Do you think in our society when we walk around making eye contact, that's why we're so confrontational? When I notice that the mind tone is pleasant or unpleasant, it tends to slide into neutral. Is that the idea?

I will be out of town for a few weeks then back here for two weeks, then gone again for four weeks. I will miss LBM a lot. I'm sorry I didn't find it 10 years ago. I guess I wasn't looking hard enough. I guess the only thing I can do is be sure to meditate every day, wherever I am. I know I can't keep stopping and starting this practice.

The retreat was wonderful. I am very grateful for the clear water in my muddy pot. Thank you, Susan

Hello Victor,
I didn't get a chance to personally thank you for your guidance over the weekend. I appreciate the time you put into teaching us and guiding us along the path. It was definitely worthwhile for me and I'm glad I "stretched."

I look forward to hearing your Dharma talk again once it's posted on the website. I particularly found it beneficial during the 1 hour guided sit. If it's a common request, I look forward to perhaps doing more of that. I'm extremely receptive to learning and open to insights while I'm already in a relaxed state. Noticing the "tone" of my mind as opposed to noticing emotional type feelings for some reason become clear to me at that time. Also, I felt that just for a brief moment, I was actually experiencing being the creator of my reality. I'd always felt I'd understood it as a concept but at that time, I was kind of watching in slow motion creation taking place. I hope that doesn't sound too weird - it's the only way I can describe it. So, Thank you! Natalie

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, July 26, 2008

What a great Retreat. Victor Byrd showed us all how to focus and really be present. He delivered an amazing dharma talk even though being sick. For myself, I enjoyed the quiet bond with my fellow mediators. Not having been to LBM for awhile, I was nervous about being able to survive the day. To my surprise, I was very peaceful and enjoyed every minute. Looking forward to our 3 days together. Metta, Margo

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, May 24, 2008

I really liked the expression "hard grace", as it reminded me that waking up is not all about peaceful easy feelings. This morning I read some meditation directions that shed some more light on my experiences yesterday;here is an excerpt:

"The conscious ego must...allow the unconscious egotistical self to reveal itself. This is difficult because of the fear of not being as perfect, as evolved, as good, as rational, as ideal as one wants to be and even pretends to be, so that on the
surface of consciousness the ego becomes almost convinced of being the idealized self image. This surface conviction is constantly counteracted by the
unconscious knowledge that this image is untrue, with the result that secretly the whole personality feels fraudulent and terrified of exposure. It is a
significant sign of self-acceptance and growth when a human being is capable of allowing the egotistical, irrational, destructive part to manifest in the inner
awareness, and acknowledges it in all its specific detail..."
(Eva Pierrakos and Donovan Thesenga from their book "Fear No Evil: The
Pathwork Method of Transforming the Lower Self")

The instruction then given is for the conscious ego to reach down into the lower self and ask that whatever is lurking there be brought out into the open. At
the same time, the conscious ego must ask the higher self (which surpasses the limitations of the conscious self) for help in revealing the destructive little
self.

Anyway, this really resonated for me after yesterday and I wanted to share it with you. Thanks and namaste, Jane

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Thank you Victor and volunteers for a wonderful retreat. I had two different experiences during the retreat that I would like to share with you. One is a brief moment where I felt irritation as movement of my mind in the form of thought. It was a glimpse.

The second experience had to do with this amazing bird who decided to grace us with her presence for the entire day. She managed to fly to each corner of the room, and then proceeded to bang her head over and over into the tall glass windows.

I know someone out there will be able to explain this strange bird behavior. I hope the bird is feeling O.K. after a day of such effort. I decided to view this
bird experience as a metaphor for some internal experience, so I asked myself, "In what way do I bang my head against a wall believing this behavior will
give me something other than a headache?" I decided that for me, the glass wall represents the story I try to maintain in my mind about "me", which
is like a glass wall: others cannot see it but it is there and as long as it is I cannot fully embrace others with an open heart. The head banging represents the attempts at maintaining a "new" and "better" story of "me", and all attempts to get others on board to enhance this story of "me".

And last, why did she choose the meditation hall? Because on the other side of the glass wall is meditation, contemplation, self-observation, and the
practice of loving-kindness. If she gets in, the head-banging will stop. Smart bird.

So, here is an attempt at a poem, to honor our retreat, and Byrd and bird.

"YOUR LIFE IS THE DASH BETWEEN THE DATE OF BIRTH
AND THE DATE OF DEATH ON YOUR TOMBSTONE." Eckhart Tolle

A GLIMPSE
Thump, Thump, Thump
Bird bangs head into meditation hall
Over and Over
She bangs her head, from
each corner of the room,

As I sit in the meditation hall
watching breath rise and fall
thoughts appear and dissolve
Images, memories, pull me away
from the moment
Breath brings me back
into stillness.....

And then......
Thump, Thump, Thump
bird bangs head against window
in the meditation hall
Sounds like the sound of "Me".
"ME", "ME", "ME", echoes inside and out.
Story, story, story,
Want, want, want
More, more, more
Thump, thump, thump.
More of a new me
A better me
A me you will adore more,
Sounds like,
Bird banging head against window.
She tries again and again.

And then,
There is this dash, a glimpse
This small silent moment between thought.
That knows
consciousness cannot divide itself up into
little pieces called "me".
She is too vast
and still,
Nothing moves, nothing rises,
nothing dies
Sitting in her own delightfulness,
wants nothing, knows no time,
Endless river.

And then
Thump, Thump, Thump,
Bird bangs head into window.
Like thoughts against an endless sky
Can life be the dash between the movement of thought
in my own mind?

Wendy B.

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, March 22, 2008

One of my favorite cartoons is an illustration of a couple that appears to be on a date. The woman tells the man, "I don't want to be defined by who I am." I laughed out loud when I read it, and I think I might just use the line on my next date. (Someone asked at the end of retreat, "If I am not this and this...then who am I?" I don't remember her exact words, but her question made me think of this cartoon). And then Victor talked about the book, "I am That." (by whom?) {The book is "I Am That" Talks with Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj"}

Highlights of the retreat: Victor's levity, the beautiful painting of the flame above us, the analogy of the empty bowl creating a sweet sound, the story of Mama Nora and the attention she paid to her fried potatoes, the feel of the cool concrete beneath my bare feet. Thank you for a lovely day, Mary
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

All day meditation retreat, that I at first, was very resistant to. But I went, skipped the yoga, and a lot of the slow walks. I, in fact, read magazines on one long break. Then I was able to get very into it, after crying alone and turning my will and my life over to Higher Power. It was very moving, and I got a visualization that the top of my head wasn't there, and I was just an empty meat shell, waiting to be filled, for as long as HP wants me around. I'm ready to die, anytime this outer shell of meat is no longer useful.
I let my partner read the above, and he thought it sounded very weird, so maybe it does. It is very difficult to put spiritual visualizations into words, like Victor has said. Metta, Teresa F.

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, November 17, 2007

In November, I did my second full day retreat. I knew I was tired, but as the day went on, I felt like I was under a spell of sleepiness that I just couldn't break. I think I fell asleep in every single sit. I tried sitting up really straight, drinking coffee, and meditating with my eyes open, but still, I kept dozing off. Soon enough, I was desperate to move on to a different one of the Five Hindrances, like restlessness, which I'm used to, and which would at least keep me awake! Being in a daze, I wasn't thinking very clearly, and the harder I tried, the sleepier I got. I really just wanted to feel like I was "doing something." A few days later, I was reading It's Easier Than You Think by Sylvia Boorstein, and there was a chapter about Right Effort. It turns out that if you're being unaccepting of whatever is arising in the moment, you might be trying really hard, but you're not doing Right Effort. That was a big "Aha!" So, at least I learned something even though I struggled with low energy all day at the retreat. It was worth it.

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, September 22, 2007

I haven't been doing meditation for that long, so the September retreat was my first. I was pretty nervous and not entirely sure I could make it through a whole day of sitting, but the idea of a day of silence really appealed, so I went for it. During the first sit, one of my legs fell profoundly asleep, and my mind got going on the questions of whether anyone's ever had to amputate because their leg fell asleep and they didn't move for 10 minutes. Fortunately, we alternate sitting with walking meditation, so my circulation came back and I gradually began to settle down and concentrate. The second sit was amazing because the weather outside turned from a slight drizzle to an outright downpour – the first real rain of the fall. All day, the silence seemed to sparkle with energy, and at the end of the day, I was elated that I had made it through my first all-day retreat. Anonymous
_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Victor cited a Zen saying that goes something like this: Climb the ladder, then take the next step. My body completely resonated with that feeling. The feeling of making the effort, climbing the ladder, until there are no more visible steps. I can’t go back down again. I could hang on to the top ring until pigs fly, and I bet lots of people do, including me. Or I could let go. What have I got to lose? A hugely entertaining and painful illusory life that I think belongs to me?

Victor asked us, "Do you want to be good or do you want to be free?" What choice do I have? This is all an inside job—not taking personally all that is of this world, the people, the opinions, the cultural demands, the deeply ensconced movement of conditioning. Are these what I am? Really? Anonymous

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, March 24, 2007

Afternoons of war and vibrant colors
We climbed the hill and sat and smoked and laughed
I did not know it then
But what was burning
Was the very fabric of the connection we sought
The stench at once both sweet and acrid
As we reached for one another.

Those colors now are mostly gone
Worn and tired
Faded beneath the heedless sun
I sit alone today
Quiet and screaming
And wonder that the scent has long since vanished
My memory is a rotten husk
Another afternoon
Another hill
Another war
Or is it yet the same?

....I was very affected by the "eyes down" thing, I was shocked that I was so needy. Of course I had been to other, longer retreats but this was the first time I was really truly self-motivated. I felt so bereft without the smiles, the approval of others, particuarly the women--even though I could sense the group energy. I was in pain the first sit, sleepy the second, but during the third one I got in deep touch with a part of me that is remorseful and ashamed of all the time, the years, the decades I have wasted running headlong from myself; sometimes into the arms of others but mostly into isolation or oblivion. Well, I'd better go before I get too maudlin. Corey

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, January 20, 2007

FRIENDLY FEET
I participated in the Saturday retreat in January 2007, and it was my first with this group. I was surprised by what happened and wanted to write this out as a way of thinking more about the experience.

First, I found myself deeply moved and actually very emotional about the whole idea of eyes-down balanced with the idea being gently joined in community—being in an activity where others were trying too, while also having my privacy. This was a revelation and something I don’t think I’ve experience in any other aspect of my life. Usually I find eyes-down is a way of meticulously avoiding connection—on the street, going about daily life. For me it’s a form of refusing to relate and, to my mind, a small but important abandonment.

To put this in context: I grew up in the South where to pass another person on the street without eye contact and a nod of the head was considered beyond rude. To miss that cue was a subtle but very important social faux pas and it sent a very strong message: I do not and will not see you.

Then I moved further North and my attempts to make eye contact and nod the head where suddenly remapped as subtly dominating and even hostile. “I see you” switched from an invitation to visual aggression. It generated some very weird and sometimes quite angry reactions, so I quickly un-learned the practice.

Saturday we all agreed to keep our eyes down. But the important difference is this: that we understood why we were doing it and we made a light but serious community contract to create personal privacy while not abandoning relationship. I thought this was a beautiful compromise and it allowed me to feel very free and relaxed about my work during the retreat. I could be in the group, supported by everyone’s presence, but not worry about what was happening to me. I knew my moods, discomforts and struggles were happening but acceptable because others were working as hard as me to stay in their own space, doing their own work.

As I said to Victor afterwards, I’ve been struggling to understand the psychological concept of taking care of myself and taking care of others (I have found I can do one or the other, but not both simultaneously and how one achieves both in concert has been a mystery.) The eyes-down commitment brought me a whole new metaphor for how I’d like relationship with others to feel. It was the perfect demonstration of the paradox of supportive detachment and I found it very powerful. It gave me a seed of a feeling and I’m now testing that feeling out in existing relationships.

The other thing I found very powerful—emotionally—was simply the idea that a handful of people would stop and do this work at all. On our first walking meditation, I became overwhelmed with feelings of relief and thanks for the fact that any group of people would stop their day and try this different way of thinking and being. From the outside it looks like nothing much at best, or really weird at worst. In a social context where war seems to be a mandate and non-violence is considered impractical or naive, I deeply appreciated the effort of every step we were trying to make more consciously. Irrationally, I felt 100% convinced these steps were not wasted.

And the last thought I had was about feet—friendly feet. This was the first retreat or meditation situation where I’d done walking mediation in that way – choosing my own lane and just trying to stay with my own perception of my own body as it walked. I was trying to really keep my focus—eyes down, shift, step, shift. But I experienced real joy and happiness at seeing other feet come in and out of my peripheral vision. What a relief to see the serious commitment of other slow moving feet!

Even though I was gently prohibited from studying faces, I suddenly felt I could tell a lot about a person from their feet, their socks, their gait. (The mind just seems to go there! Making stories, connections…) And in a flash of Thinking, I imagined that in a serious monastery the monks and nuns would likely become great students of the mood and attitude of feet walking by.

For 30 minutes at a time I felt we were beautiful, thoughtful dancers in a troupe every bit as interesting as, say, Merce Cunningham’s company. I imagined what the scene might look like and I was sure that every person’s sincere effort made a perfect choreography—something Art tries to imitate officially, and sometimes does with great effect. And then I imagined what it would look like with 50 or 100 or 1000 people all trying walking meditation. And then I imagined George Bush and Nuri Kamel al-Maliki and Muqtada al-Sadr all doing walking meditation together before they sat down to talk about their differences. If only. But until they do, we will…

So thank you, Victor, for leading us to this new place and thank you to the other retreat participants for your sincere effort. It helped me tremendously.

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from One Day Meditation/Yoga Retreat in Rancho Palos Verdes, Saturday, May 13, 2006
Grateful thanks. The one-day retreat ended with thoughts about Mother's Day, and Victor reading from the New Testament, Corinthians I, Ch. 13, about faith, hope, and love. It was very considerate and heart-warming.
Anonymous Mom

RETREAT REFLECTIONS from June Retreat 2005 in Temecula, California

Read the following June Retreat 2005 Reflections in PDF

I reluctantly attended the retreat. A couple of weeks before the retreat, I decided that it would be more “fun” to visit a friend in Seattle. After a few days of contemplating “flaking out” of the retreat, I decided that although the retreat probably wouldn’t be “fun”, it would provide me with a spiritual growth opportunity.

During the retreat, I did my best to surrender and open myself to whatever came up. I was feeling somber, but not particularly sad when I had my first interview with Victor. I almost immediately started to cry. This was surprising to me because I just didn’t feel sad really. I felt quiet, and calm. It became apparent that I was deeply dissatisfied with my current method of earning a living and yearned to do something more personally meaningful. I was somewhat surprised at the depth of my disappointment and sadness about this. The peace, quiet, and focus on introspection while somewhat challenging also gave me the opportunity to touch the spirit living inside my skin. This spirit wants more than money, achievements, attractiveness and other outer expressions. This spirit is moving me in a new somewhat scary direction, but I am choosing to honor her.

Where all this ends up is unknown. There are many obstacles in my path, but I will take a step at a time and see where I end up. At least I’m pointed in a direction. (Ellen)

The drive to Vina de Lestonnac was quite exhilarating. I managed to run head on into rush hour traffic and watched as the cars who had toll road passes sped by; my journey turned into a three and a half hour ordeal including a breakdown in which my old beater car filled up with smoke. I limped off the freeway to a Jack in the Box and one cheeseburger later got back in my car hoping it would make the rest of the journey. It did. The home stretch after turning off on Adams Road was most interesting, observing the wineries and countryside as the dusk set in, while trying to be mindful of locating Vina de Lestonnac, which ended up to be quite easy, the center being clearly marked by a crucifix on the rooftop, which was quite captivating. Hats off to Cali for her excellent directions! I was impressed at what a fine place this looked for a retreat.

Although I was just a "weekender" a number of things stand out about the practice of retreat. The following I feel are worthy of comment: the work off
the cushions, the momentum of the frequent sittings, the dharma talks, the support of sitting with others on retreat, and the huge letdown I felt when the
retreat was over. Before I first attended our Vipassana group, I was involved in zen. In zen there is a term "joriki" which means the power, or momentum built up by repeated sittings. I have done all day sits before, but this was the longest period of repeated sitting I have done to date. It has been easy for me to allow the power of a sit to dissipate before the next sit, but I found when the next sit is so close in time, I carried over some of the benefit into the next sit.

It was the second sitting on the second day that I felt the effect of the successive sittings on my brain. I have been under intense grief due to the recent loss of my father, suffering physically from recent surgery and under great stress due to threatened litigation against my dad's trust. To expect any relief from mindfulness brought about a considerable degree of relief from these issues. At least I knew for sure they eat away at me. I was never able to come close to letting go of these issues completely, that will take a lot more work, but the retreat speeded up the process noticeably. At one point I considered leaving, but I reasoned that if practice had any value at all it was in confronting yourself and whatever issues you face, otherwise what is the use? The momentum of continued mindfulness did seem to cut through my very worried mental state.

Alternating sitting with mindfulness walks and mindfulness eating (which I did plenty of), did merge the off the cushion effort with the sitting effort, resulting in a higher level of overall mindfulness. Not having to be concerned with what to say, or how to smile to others reduces unnecessary distractions to mindfulness. Ultimately I can see how this process dissolves delusion (self) and results in the awakening to our underlying true nature. I seemed to slow down enough to observe the interesting patterns on the lizard's skin, the mist dissolving over a distant peak, the purple flowers at the top of the hill and the wafting clouds. There seemed to be no little man inside conducting the chewing of my food and I seemed keenly aware of the movement of my legs. Mindfulness as a cutting tool of self became somewhat self-evident. (Anonymous)

(Of course I'd like to edit, rewrite and attempt a literary coup. I know the grammar is off but these were impressions at the time .So this is it for now.)

6/10 Silent Retreat.
Retreat began Monday a.m. I arrived Thursday evening bring the clanging of the city and my nerves. Restless sleep. Skipped the first meditation. Scared? Of my own insides? I have cheated so much. Afraid I can't do this.

Breakfast. Choose eggs with ham because I didn't want "them" to feel bad about making too much of that and not enough of plain eggs. AAAAAAgh!!!!! Patterns already. Select a chair facing the room to check out the people. Most people facing the window. Victor faced the wall.

2nd sit. Total presence the goal. Me---physical discomfort. Not ok to move, adjust, wiggle or squirm! Impossible. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
#3 after lunch. Still fighting, resisting. Body pain. Thinking again. Anger.
#4 I managed because VB talked during part of it. 
Walk, Sit, Yoga. It feels good to move. A big part of me wants to do nothing or sit, eat, watch TV, go home.  Want terribly to make a cell phone call. Why? Comfort of the old routine? I resist. Body still tired. Hasn't slowed down very much. Could sleep again right now. "Life is a mystery to be lived. Ego thinks it's a puzzle to be solved."

Sat. Second day. Small shifts down to more calm.

Dharma insights.
5 hindrances. Greed hatred/aversion restlessness sloth doubt. They're hard wired in the system. Must slow down to can catch them. Otherwise go into default position, i.e. same old patterns. I knew this years ago but thought there was a cure.

Vipassana is following the brain. When the brain is distracted make that topic the focus. So far I've gotten fear, jealousy, envy, desire, wanting, longing. If I stay there I become hysterical. When I go to Metta I calm down and usually back to the breath. Western psychology is about improving the story, having a better dream on a daily basis. We live out the story robotically. A Paradigm shift wakes us up from the dream.

Thoughts after the weekend. 
It's very hard to settle down. Just as I feared. My mind is out of control. Relentlessly grabbing, directing, seducing and chattering without breath or rest. It's a fight to the death. I crave the setting of the retreat. At least it's only my mind that is crazed. At home it's everything. I experience too much stimulation no matter what. But when I have the opportunity for quiet I turn on the radio. I give in to sound battering.

It was just as hard there. But the single mindedness, the commitment and dedication of others reinforced my desire and my willingness to endure. Wish I could have been there for the whole week. I wonder of course how it would have been different, and I indulge in fantasies of "it would have been 'better.'" Isn't that a seduction?! I couldn't take advantage of what was because…….

Actually, I did take advantage as much as I could. And that is what I am doing now. VB pointed out that meditation takes a proactive approach. Actually, just like any other skill one wants to learn. You find a teacher -class, book, program; you make a plan to enact it, and then you discipline yourself to follow it. No matter what, come hell or high water, whatever it costs, nose to the grindstone, single-mindedness, devotion, desire. Any or all of the things that motivate us to stay on the path, especially when it's difficult.

It helps me to think of the ego as "other", not me, not my identity, more like a spoiled child who will do anything to get her way. And oh she is so clever, sneaky, manipulative and, at this point, so powerful. I'd like chop her out. Unfortunately I have to be more subtle, gentler. But I also have to firm up my discipline and determination.

It was wonderful to have such a comfortable, beautiful room, dedicated to quiet, contemplation and prayer; a place with few distractions, apart from daily life. You didn't have to reestablish the energy from the ground up each and every time. The group became so important. Other people seeking the same thing and maybe reaching it gave me motivation to continue. (Karene)

Tuesday
All this “rushing” from thought to thought, piling on the “things to do,” the “projects to plan,” -- all this is suffering and greed, too. What is underlying this futurizing is the fundamental dissatisfaction that THIS MOMENT IS NOT ENBOUGH “AS IS.” As if the next one will be? And forever after that? AS IF? All experiences ring with the hollow bells of dissatisfaction. At the core of every experience is impermanence, suffering and complete non-existence of a personal self. And I am trying to find what does not exist--permanence and satisfaction--in each new experience that happens to ME. Talk about being lost in the ‘chase-the-tail game’ of the rooster, the pig and the snake. Round and round and round. Greed is wanting more, because it is dissatisfied with right now. This is not living!

Is restless mind the essence of who I am? Is my true nature sleepy? Or angry? Or afraid? Or lonely? My true nature is none of that. It is space, itself, which contains all and everything, but is NOT those things. Can I rest in essence more and whirl in the content less?

When there is nothing else to be done, or thought to be thought, the only choice is to surrender to “what is.” Victor talked about this with regards to his forgetting to bring his address book and the ensuring drama of not being able to call people. There was nothing he could do about the situation. He wasn’t going to drive back to Long Beach. He could only surrender to “what is,” and be with that truth. Be with the emotions and stories that are rising. Not push them away, not wish them away. BE with the truth and it will move. It will change. Everything does.

Wednesday
NO NAME. NO STORY.

How would I live moment to moment, with no name and no story? At least with the conviction, the certainty that I AM NOT my name, nor story? It’s feels a little like stepping over a cliff.

Thursday
The ideas fly into the mind (during sits, when it is especially noticeable), but what causes enormous suffering and energy drain is not the flash of ideas, but rather my trying to hold onto them. Trying to hold on is symptomatic of NOT TRUSTING the moment to support itself. Moment to moment to moment. Is it not enough to rest in this moment? To remember that THIS IS IT!

I discuss this in my teacher interview Thursday night. Victor points out, as Krishnamurti contends, that letting go of the ideas that bling bling in this moment may not mean losing them at all. Rather, letting them be (which I like better than “letting them go”) allows them to ripen—to get (dare I say) better, deeper. Like a strawberry, when it is ripe, it drops to the ground, and then it’s mine to pick up and eat.

So, I don’t trust the moment and am so afraid, catastrophizing all over the place…with this deeply grooved conditioning that “it’s my fault.”

As I write this on Friday morning (having slept on it…so to speak), I see how this default soaks into my life and keeps me consistently off balance and morbidly afraid.

Listen, nothing is my fault. Think of the numberless conditions that must converge and meld at this very moment to create this moment, with me in it. I am merely part of the web of life that undulates and stretches through infinity. To think I am to blame is the work of a conditioned ego.

Life happens and all things work out, because nothing lasts. This too, the joy and the sorrow, will pass. Always does. It’s nature and it’s natural. The story of existence is conflict and resolution; conflict and resolution, conflict and resolution, expressed in infinite ways and described in numberless “stories.”

Friday
Continuing this discussion, I feel so responsible for everything and therefore, the go-to girl to blame when things don’t go well, or as planned. But, I am breathed and lived, like everyone else. My “responsibility” is to remain steadfastly true to this moment as the joyful and empty participant in the dance—embracing it with a full heart and NO NAME.

Anything—words, thoughts, emotions—that are planned out or rehearsed are dead. They are dead because their relevance is only to that moment in which they arise.

Victor’s talks sparkle and are palpable in the way they touch the heart because they are the manifestation of beingness and not doingness. More and more, Victor resides in the presence of the present when he gives dharma talks. It’s remarkable and wonderful and rare to be around energy that is utterly spontaneous and present.

In meditation, I am dealing with a wall of “I’ thoughts. A damned solid wall and the only way to cut through is to pull it out by the root. Nipping a stem here or there is a quick (and temporary) fix. My practice teaches that extracting the root means to be completely with what’s happening, with what is. And, taking the extra step to ask “who” is experiencing this anyway. The body and mind react (or hopefully respond) to “what is.” There is a negative, positive or neutral feeling and the story. The story. And who is this story happening to? Who is telling the story?

The only way to evoke change/movement (which is inevitable anyway) is to move toward and embrace what is, to be with it, stay with it. That’s it.

THINKING IS RESISTENCE TO “WHAT IS.” Thinking is “not being present.”

Life is a mystery to be lived, not solved. So wouldn’t I need to nurture some equanimity with not knowing, with uncertainty. What would happen if I suspend the need to know what will happen tomorrow? Isn’t this moment enough? Needing guarantees in this life is the sure path to suffering.

Saturday
What to do, what to do? This dharma stuff, it’s a feeling. It’s not intellectual weight lifting. This “no name, no body” is a feeling. Can I pay attention to “what is” as if it has nothing to do with little me? This whole world is fabricated anyway. Wall-to-wall ego. All fabrication. KFUK--all stories, all the time—that’s the radio station playing in my head.

Even politics, ecology, global warming, terrorists, difficult mother, me—all stories/all fiction!!!!!! As I dinged the bell, calling the retreatants for the last sit of the night, I noted the objects before me: The trash can, the miniature statue of Mary, the fountain and doors, the stairs, the sky above, the cement walkway. I gave them names. Names I learned a long time ago. It’s the way the mind works, so I will recognize the objects in my world, so the illusion of order is maintained in a reality that is not as it seems. The mind makes order out of chaos.

As soon as I name something, the stories arise too—whether explicit or implicit. There it is. It’s my point of view and I have immediately limited that object by naming it and giving it a story. By nature a story limits and cannot possibly include the fullness of existence within it—and that includes the story I tell myself about myself. The story may seem real, relatively, but it is so limited as to render it fiction, even within the relative realm of this illusion.

I am lost inside this whirling amusement park ride of stories. Even the story I tell my selfabout global warming is limited and one sided. What would Mother Earth say on the same topic? “I get a little hot. I get a little cold. I get bashed by a giant meteor. I get a little hot. I get a little cold…”

The stories are entirely self-referential and based on a self that is sharply divided inside and ultimately non-existent. And this is what our world is built upon. Oh my...

Sunday
Victor didn’t tape his last dharma talk of the retreat, so I took these notes. The subject is “Going Home.”

Every moment I AM HOME. So all this running around smartly to get where? I can use this wonderful mind that dwells in imagination, and channel the energy inward. All that is needed is available now. Why beat it because the mind is drawn to stories. Love it.

Anyway, “whose” mind IS whirling? Shift the focus from the what to the who. From object to subject. Objects are numberless, but there is only one subject.

It is a wordless feeling—an attitude of accepting deeply what I am in this moment. I CANNOT CHANGE WHAT I CANNOT EMBRACE. That means right now, right here.

We have the capacity to embrace our muck and our glory this very moment.

WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM THIS MOMENT IS GOOD ENOUGH.

Enlightenment is out of my control. Life is out of my control. As if, if I do one more thing, read one more book, do one more sit, I’ll get it. What a waste of time.

TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT IS THE CAPACITY TO BE WITH WORLD, TO BE WITH THE WORLD OF DELUSION, BUT NOT CAUGHT BY IT.

The problem with being in the world is that we get confused and think we ARE part of the muck.

The world is bigger and more powerful than us and we must have our spiritual friends.

The part of me that wants to go to sleep will find the distractions, for sure. Do I want to go to sleep? Or, do I want to wake up from the dream? If I truly want to wake up, then I must be pro-active and go home with an intention to maintain my practice.

Victor implores us to find people who have some element of silence inside. If they don’t, then they don’t have anything to teach.

There is a breath body that reacts to good vibes. We need those beings that have a vibration that will resonate and sync with yours and raise it because that is what we are—vibration. And that is the same thing as being with a spiritual community.

Don’t give up. Believe in my capacity to create something wonderful. Everything blooms from within of self-blessing. The flowering comes from within, but there has to be sunlight, water, nurturing. It has to be in a garden. The sangha is a garden.

Personal notes:
The ability to dance upon and embrace the truth that “I shall die,” is a great gift.

This moment is it. And the next moment is it. Nothing else is “it,” but this very moment, for better, or worse.

Movement is an illusion in consciousness. There appears to be movement all over the place, but it’s “appearing” within utter stillness. In the same way, I sit still in a moving car, or lay still on my bed at night, while the earth, the solar system and the Milky Way Galaxy are racing through space at breakneck speed.

All movement is in mind. It is as if all the manifestation of emptiness rises, moves and falls away again within this very still container of nothing.

Let go of BEFORE AND AFTER. Victor says he is practicing this more and more in his sits. What a way to bring the attention and concentration to right now. After all, right now is bigger than before or after. It is completely full.
(Anonymous)

The depth of Victor's insight was evident in his Dharma talks. It was refreshing to hear him talk uninterrupted, the rest of us having to be silent as opposed to the dharma talks in Long Beach where we all contribute our two cents worth. An analogy I have heard somewhere is that a sitting group is like a group of people lost in the desert without water. Someone has to set out to find water or the group will die of thirst. The others have to wait and preserve their energy till the water seeker returns with the (living) waters. Victor is our water seeker. He sets out to dharma retreats to bring back the living water of the dharma to us. He sets out across the desert to three retreats in the last year. The living water he brought back to our group quenched my dharma thirst like spring water tinkling from mountain rocks. A person is lucky to come across one genuine teacher in a lifetime and should take advantage of such an auspicious opportunity.

At the end of the retreat I felt a tremendous letdown. The tiny glimpse of mindfulness derived from the retreat made the enormity of the task we face in getting off the wheel of ignorance, seem so insurmountable. Life passes so quickly, and the stumbling blocks are so large. To paraphrase one of the retreatants, when faced with this battle it would be easy to give in and just lay down forever. The choice is either that, or to arouse our spirits and continue the crossing to the other shore. (Anonymous)

personal dharma talk_notes
taken during November 2003 Retreat